Shake, Rattle, and Roll at 4 A.M

*BANG* *BANG* *BANG* "What is that?" I thought as i turned my head in bed. "Oh the bookshelf is moving.....THE BOOKSHELF IS MOVING!" I jump out of bed and rush to the door frame standing in place. After a few moments the ground settled down. I waited a few moments and went back to bed. When I got up I wondered if I dreamed the whole thing until I got to work. Everybody was talking about it and to add to the creepiness it happened again at work. I guess I need to be more alert for the time being.

And now from the Book of John (Moses Browning)

I found this on a forum and got a laugh so take a look.

The Holy Gospel According to John (Moses Browning)

Chapter 1 ver 1-13

1. In the beginning was the 1911, and the 1911 was the pistol, and it was good. And behold the Lord said, thou shalt not muck with my disciple John's design for it is good and it worketh. For John made the 1911, and lo all of his weapons, from the designs which I, the Lord, gave him upon the mountain.

2. And shouldst thou muck with it and hang all manner of foul implements upon it, and profane its internal parts, thou shalt surely have malfunctions, and in the midst of battle thou shalt surely come to harm.

3. And as the ages passed men in their ignorance and arrogance didst forget the word of the Lord and began to profane the 1911. The tribe of the gamesman did place recoil spring guides and extended slide releases upon the 1911 and their metal smiths didst tighten the tolerances and alter parts to their liking, their clearness of mind being clouded by lust.

4. Their artisans did hang all manner of foul implements upon the 1911 and did so alter it that it became impractical to purchase. For lo, the artisans didst charge a great tax upon the purchasers of the 1911 so that the lowly field worker could not afford one. And the profaning of the internal parts didst render it unworkable when the dust of the land fell upon it.

5. And lo, they didst install adjustable sights, which are an abomination unto the Lord. For they doth break and loose their zero when thou dost need true aim. And those who have done so will be slain in great numbers by their enemies in the great battle.

6. And it came to pass that the Lord didst see the abomination wrought by man and didst cause, as he had warned, fearful malfunction to come upon the abominations and upon the artisans who thought they could do no wrong.

7. Seeing the malfunctions and the confusion of men the lord of the underworld did see an opportunity to further ensnare man and didst bring forth pistols made of plastic, whose form was such that they looked and felt like a brick, yet the eyes of man being clouded, they were consumed by the plastic pistol and did buy vast quantities of them.

8. And being a deceitful spirit the lord of the underworld did make these plastic pistols unamenable to the artisans of earth and they were unable to muck much with the design, and lo these pistols did function.

9. And the evil one also brought forth pistols in which the trigger didst both cock and fire them and which require a "dingus" to make them appear safe.

10. But man being stupid did not understand these new pistols and did proceed to shoot themselves with the plastic pistol, and with the trigger cocking pistols for lo their manual of arms required great intelligence which man had long since forsaken. Yet man continues to gloat over these new pistols blaming evil forces for the negligent discharges which they themselves had committed.

11. And when man had been totally ensnared with plastic pistol, the lord of the underworld didst cause a plague of the terrible Ka-BOOM to descend upon man and the plastic pistols delivered their retribution upon men. And there was a great wailing and gnashing of teeth in the land. 12. Then seeing that the eyes of man were slowly being opened and that man was truly sorrowful for his sinful misdeeds, the Lord did send his messengers in the form of artisans who did hear and obey the teachings of the prophet and who didst restore the profaned 1911s to their proper configuration, and lo, to the amazement of men they didst begin to work as the prophet had intended.

13. And the men of the land didst drive out the charlatans and profaners from the land, and there was joy and peace in the land, except for the evil sprits which tried occasionally to prey on the men and women of the land and who were sent to the place of eternal damnation by the followers of John.

The 1911 as it should be.

Video for thought

Behaving on an Internet Form
http://www.videojug.com/film/how-to-behave-on-an-internet-forum

How much do I love you?

*Beep*

Me: "Thank you for calling ATM support"
Tech: "Yes this ....I'm at atm >>>>> for a printer fault"
M: "Ok what is going on?"
T: "Well I have not touch the printer yet."
M: ? "Ok, why not?"
T: "Well someone decided for Valentine's day to spray paint a heart with a Jerry loves Marry on the ATM"
M: *laugh* "Really?"
T: *Chuckle* "Yep."

So why did you marry him?
Because he spray painted a heart with our names on a ATM.

Sunday Humor

This comes from a Catholic elementary school. Kids were asked questions about the Old and New Testaments. They have not been retouched or corrected (i.e., incorrect spelling has been left in.)... Enjoy!
* In the first book of the bible, Guinessis, God got tired of creating theworld, so he took the Sabbath off.
* Adam and Eve were created from an apple tree. Noah's wife was called Joan of Ark. Noah built an ark, which the animals come on to in pears.
* Lot's wife was a pillar of salt by day, but a ball of fire by night.
* The Jews were a proud people and throughout history they had trouble withthe unsympathetic Genitals.
* Samson was a strongman who let himself be led astray by a Jezebel like Delilah.
* Moses led the hebrews to the Red Sea, where they made unleavened breadwhich is bread without any ingredients.
* The Egyptians were all drowned in the dessert. Afterwards, Moses went up on Mount Cyanide to get the ten ammendments.
* The seventh commandment is thou shalt not admit adultery.
* Moses died before he ever reached Canada. Then Joshua led the hebrews in the battle of Geritol.
* The greatest miracle in the Bible is when Joshua told his son to standstill and he obeyed him.
* David was a hebrew king skilled at playing the liar. he fought with theFinklesteins, a race of people who lived in Biblical times.
* Solomon, one of David's sons, had 300 wives and 700 porcupines.
* When Mary heard that she was the mother of Jesus, she sang the Magna Carta.
* When the three wise guys from the east side arrived, they found Jesus inthe manager.
* Jesus was born because Mary had an immaculate contraption.
* Jesus enunciated the Golden Rule, which says to do one to others beforethey do one to you. He also explained, "a man doth not live by sweat alone."
* It was a miracle when Jesus rose from the dead and managed to get thetombstone off the entrance.
* The people who followed the lord were called the 12 decibels. The epistleswere the wives of the apostles.
* One of the oppossums was St. Matthew who was also a taximan.
* St. Paul cavorted to Christianity. He preached holy acrimony, which isanother name for marriage.
* Christians have only one spouse. This is called monotony.

Sunday Humor

If I can remember and if I have the time I will start posting jokes on Sundays.

A elderly couple are taking a drive enjoying the nice day, however the husband gets a lead foot and soon notices flashing lights in his mirror. Looking down at the speedometer he sees that he is doing 80 M.P.H. He quickly pulls off the road. The officer walks up to the window and asks, "License and and insurance. Sir, do you know how fast you were going?" After handing his license and insurance the husband said, "Why yes I do officer I set my cruse control to 55 M.P.H." "Cruse control?" the wife stated, "this car doesn't have cruse control." The husband turned to her and gave her a stern look and turned back to the officer with a smile.
The officer then said,"I see that you are not wearing you seat belt." "I removed my belt to allow me to gain access to my wallet," the husband stated. "You never wear you seat belt," the wife stated. Again the husband head snapped to her giving her a stern look and a ssh and turned back to the officer with a smile.
The officer then asked the wife, "Miss, is your husband always like this to you?" "No officer," the wife said, "he is only like this when he has been drinking."

Heard from work

*Beep*
Me: Thank you for calling ATM Network Support
Customer: (raspy and mummling) Yes my name is....and one your ATM didn't give me my cash.
M: Ok, do you have a receipt?
C: No.
M: Ok, what is the address that this ATM is at
C: It is at ....
(Never could find the location and at one point hacked for about an minuet)
M: Hello?
C: Yes, I'm still here
M: Ok what you need to do is go to your bank and fill out a claim for your cash you didn't receive.
C: I did that they said it has been too long.
M: (?) No, that shouldn't matter, wait how long ago did this happen?
C: 2002. I just got out of Jail.

As they say crime doesn't pay.

Heard from work

This title will be any calls that I receive that I find amusing or strange. I will not give names of customers or techs to save them the embarrassment and for the safety of law suits.
*Beep*
Me: Thank you for calling ATM Network Support
Customer (upset): Yes I just used your ATM and it captured my card.
M: Ok did it give you your cash or a receipt?
C: Yes i received both.
M: Ok on the receipt there should be an ATM ID please read it off to me.

(ID given and information brought up)

M: Ok what you will need to do is contact the card provider and have them issue you a new card.
C: No, you have to get this card out of the ATM this is my mother's card.
M: It is who's card?
C: My mother's and she doesn't know that I have it.

Some days it doesn't pay to steal.

The only surving crew member is ...

Nero. Well not really. As some of you may know that I am taking things from the BBC show "Red Dwarf"and using it for titles. If you don't know the show about Dave Lister the only human alive on a ship call Red Dwarf, hence the name. The show starts out by introducing the crew members and their roles to what goes on in the show.
What has happened. During a radiation leak the entire crew was wiped out except for Dave Lister, a bum the lowest ranking man or being on the ship and had no goal in life until joining up. ArnoldJ. Rimmer, A hologram of a second tech with high hopes of becoming an officer but has failed 11 times running due to being mad with power and being a complete and total Smeg Head. Cat, thats right a cat but this cat doesn't just slink along his wardrobe would make your mother think she is conservative. Holly, the ship's computer with an I.Q. of 6000 which is the same I.Q. of 6000 P.E. teacher. Later the crew picks up Kryten, a series 3000 mechanode programed to clean but has been able to break his programing with help from Lister and is able to become more human. Kristine Kochanski, Navigation officer who Lister is in love with but can never seem to get his true feeling out for her.
If you ever get the chance and you like British comedies grab these!